My heart will go on - Harry
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I had always dreamed that I would fly. That I would soar into wherever I was meant to be. That I would make a change in the world. Something along those lines, you know?
But then I met Harry and everything changed. I met the one boy who now means the world to me. Who knows if we were meant to be or if it was just an accident? Who knows anything these days? But he made me happy and he still does. He meant the world to me and I couldn’t live without him. Now life was being unfair, like it always was and they took Harry away from me. It wasn’t just short term, like when he left on tour. It was long; he was gone forever. I couldn’t do anything to help his journey away. I loved him so much and I wanted to be there for him, but I couldn’t. I know I’m being selfish, but life was taking him away from me. It’s the only argument I have, but he really did mean the world to me. I miss him in every way, the way he pulled my hair back when it was all over my face or the way he touched me passionately, yet gently because he didn’t ever want to cause me pain. His smoldering voice in the morning, or the way I caught him staring at me sometimes and admiring me. Everything he did, I knew he cared for me, every fight we had he always apologized first because he didn’t want his dignity to get in the way of whatever we had. He had cared about me that much.
But the way he died… It was awful. It was one of those slow deaths. The ones where you have to watch the person slowly rot away into something they were not. You could see the life in him slowly disappear. The spark that attracted me in the first place was slowly, but surely fizzling away. His laugh that was once contagious and music to my ears became a raspy croak or a cough even. But you could tell he was trying hard to stay strong. For me, his mom, his sister, his boys even. That kept us going, none of us ever broke down in front of him because we weren’t the sick ones. We weren’t the ones that could die any second. Yet Harry was the strongest of all. Every time he would wake up to me by his bed crying, he would reach his hand over, no matter how painful and hug me, bring me close to his body so I could feel his heartbeat and I could let my tears drop onto his body and explore ever curve, every bump, the way I did our first night. He always made us feel like dying was okay. That he would be off to a better place where we could meet him again and he would be waiting for us.
When the time came we knew it was going to happen. I could slowly feel his body turning cold and lifeless in my hands. “I love you doll, you do know that right? It’s no mystery, I shouted it out loud to all those paparazzi’s on our 5th date. Remember? You mean so much to me and it hurts me to leave you, but I can’t do anything to slow this down. Take care of me; you know where my body goes after I leave. Take me there, only you. Don’t let anyone else come because it’s just you and me, it’s always been just you and me.” He wished for me to hold him. He wanted me to crawl into bed with me, when it was his time to go. He knew how much pain it would cause me, but he wanted to die happy. He wanted to die in my arms and when his body turned cold. I was strangely calm, the room turned into a blur and I could hear the boys and his family screaming his name, but I sat there, his head on my lap, calm.
Now this is where I stand. It was the words he first whispered to me, when we found out about his body. He asked me to free him at a place we loved, at a place that meant so much to both of us. It was where he had first asked me to be his girlfriend. The top of a mountain at our town, it was a short hike, but the view was beautiful. I looked over the view of our beautiful little town and its reservoir. “I’ll never forget you” I whispered this to myself and I stuck my hand in his urn and let go a handful of Harry and watched him. He drifted in the wind, away to wherever he was meant to be. He was free and he had made a change in the world, my world. I let a slow tear run down my cheek and I laid my body down slowly to the grass and when I did, I felt Harry next to me. I could feel his strong arms wrapping around me and protecting me and I knew I was going to be okay. As long as I never forgot Harry.
